My John Travolta-hijacked-train

SO MUCH has happened since I last posted. And it happened so quickly too. It was like, I hopped on this train. This really fast train. And the whole time I was on it (still am), I wanted to get off of this moving train but it wouldn't stop, and it wouldn't care for my screams either. Remember the train that got hijacked by John Travolta in the Taking of Pelham 123? No kidding guys, it felt like I was on that train (emotionally/figuratively, obvi). But who would be the John Travolta of my story? hijacking my train? (The audacity 🙄) Who would be responsible for this? And who would be my Denzel Washington that saves me from it?

And bit by bit, it feels like the things that are happening, they're molding me into someone new, someone different. And this new me, we're still not sure how we feel about her. Do we keep her? Do we cut her out? Idk, she seems feisty, she seems serious, she seems like she's no fun.

Experiences, age, they change people. They really do. And I'm saying this in the most amateur, inexperienced way possible, because I know the 30 year olds, 40 year olds, and 50 year olds would roll their eyes reading this from a 24 year old 😂. Just let me beeeee okayyyy.

I asked myself or to anyone that could provide an answer, time and again. What is the purpose of this? There's got to be something really important or significant for these sequence of events to play out in the way they did, because it costed so much. It was emotionally depleting, very time consuming, and it just drains my soul. And to top it off with a cherry on top, I didn't know why it had to happen. Collectively, it all mushed into one big wobbly mess that sits tightly in the heart, which was heavy AND empty. How does that even make sense? How can emptiness feel so heavy? Well apparently it can. Apparently they use a different set of physics laws down in the heart department.

So the question is "why"? What's the takeaway?. My dad would say that as Muslims, these question shouldn't even cross your mind. That as Muslims, you don't get to question what God has written or chosen for you. A syaikh once said, if you ask God "why?", He would say "why not?".

So maybe the question itself is the answer too (wow, a paradox?👀 ). Maybe the act of questioning was to lead me to a realization that I won't always know the whys. Maybe He wanted me to learn how to let go of the control that I "thought" I had and trust the One that actually has it. Maybe He wants to teach me how to accept His decree with a truly content and open heart. To have absolute trust. Maybe that's the only reason, and that's reason enough.

Y'kno, we learn all this in classes, or just generally when growing up. We're always told to have sabr, to have yaqin, and basically that means to have iman. But we never actually know if we have it until we'd have to convert the theory into practice. Until we get tested.

I know I'm not the only one on a hijacked train. I am certain that each of us are all on our own really fast John Travolta-hijacked-trains. Maybe you lost a loved one, maybe you got thrown off your job, maybe you just failed a class, maybe you fought with a friend, or maybe nothing happened and you still feel this way and that's completely valid. We're all tested by our very own trials that is tailored very uniquely to us. We're all a little confused, a little lost every now and then. O Lord, all we ask that You guide and strengthen our lost and tired hearts, and that You bless us with beautiful patience and genuine acceptance to all that You have written for us.